To My Boys,
None of this is your fault. You are both very special human beings with very serious and different conditions. Life will be a little more challenging due to your conditions and disorders.
But that doesn’t mean your life will be empty. I hope to bring you more happiness as the years go by.
When you see Mommy becoming frustrated or crying, it doesn’t mean it’s because of you.
You did not directly cause me frustration or tears. It’s just the situation and life in general that’s stressful.
I hope as the years go on that you see Mommy as a strong person who’s capable of bearing all the weight of your issues as well as my own stress.
Leaving your father was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I stand by my decision.
It was a toxic and abusive environment, and you both don’t need to see that. No one does.
No one should ever feel scared of another person, especially someone they love.
It’s hard to see the ones you love change before your very eyes as you try to adjust to their ever-changing moods and behaviors.
Overtime, it just always feels like whatever I do or say is wrong, so I’m left with this constant burden of feeling worthless and feeling like I have failed you, as well as my marriage to your father.
When someone you love changes, you no longer see them the same way.
While I will always have love for your father for the person he was when we first got together, I don’t love him the same way anymore. That is no reflection on the love I have for you.
My love stays the same and will continue that way unconditionally.
Since leaving my marriage, your dad, and our home, it’s been extremely difficult, and I am going through a grieving process.
I am grieving for the life I once had. For the love he once gave me and for the physical, emotional, and financial burdens that are now placed fully on my shoulders.
Again, this is not your fault. I made the choice to leave, and I stand by that decision.
I only hope when you get older and begin to understand more about the world, you will not resent me or look down on me for leaving your dad.
But I will always put your safety and care above all else. Because of this, I choose safety and sanity for myself and safety for you both. Sometimes, relationships don’t work out.
As you become older, you will find that life is not a fairy tale and sometimes devastating things can happen that are out of your control.
But with time, we all begin to adjust and find a way for our minds to heal from the hurt to help us move forward to a better life. It doesn’t happen overnight.
This separation and divorce will not be an easy adjustment to make for all of us. With time, the hurt will heal. But we will never forget that hurt.
If we forget the pain once inflicted by others, we are doomed to repeat it and become part of a never-ending cycle of hurt and pain.
While the pain is all too real for me, I hope I am taking on your pain as well. If you feel any pain about the separation and divorce from your dad, I want to be the one to shoulder it instead of you.
You are both young and need to focus only on growing up. I want to make this time for you as happy as possible.
That way, you could look back during this difficult time of divorce and know that I tried my best to make you happy.
But we live day by day right now. Some days are tougher than others.
Hopefully, in the end, you will have more security in life with a bigger and more comfortable home, and I won’t be so strained financially.
Please know I am doing all I can, but still feel like I am falling short. But that is my cross to bear, not yours.
You just worry about continuing to grow, learn, and thrive through life as we try to navigate this difficult time together. I love you more than you know!
By leaving your father, I am hoping to teach you a few valuable lessons about life…
Any type of abuse toward another person is never OK. It’s not fair for both of you to see and hear the threats, the insults, the screaming, and more.
It’s never OK to feel like you’re walking on eggshells and feeling like whatever you do is never good enough for someone.
I don’t want you to grow up in that situation and see that this is how love is.
This is not love; it is abuse, and it will affect you over time. You are likely to accept abusive behavior as normal and to engage in it in future relationships.
One of the biggest things I want for you in life is to not perpetuate abuse nor find yourself in an abusive relationship.
Be strong enough to leave a situation or person that is toxic. You don’t have to stay and put up with the abuse.
When I left your father, I was told it was all my fault and “I didn’t love him enough.” That’s not at all true.
I did love your father more than anything. But sometimes situations keep getting worse and people do not change.
Or worse yet, you realize what’s going on behind the scenes, behind the lies, behind the abuse.
You can’t unsee that. If you are ever in a bad situation with elements of abuse of any kind, I want you to know that you are worth so much more!
You didn’t do anything to cause that abuse and you don’t deserve it, so leave. Whatever it takes!
Besides, I am always here for you and will unconditionally love you.
When you lack the strength to leave a situation, I will be there to remind you of your value as my son and as a human being.
This letter to you is not meant to bash your father in any way.
Please know that your father loves you in his own way and that the abuse you saw in our home does not need to be held against him and it was fully directed toward me, not you.
Don’t resent him for his behavior.
I hope with time, both your father and I can co-parent together and get past all this to move forward and communicate and meet your needs as you grow older.
In the meantime, know above all else that through all of this divorce, you will still be cared for and loved by both your dad and I.